#1

“You are such a good daughter.” “Your mom is so lucky to have you.”

“You are the BEST mom.” “Your kids are so lucky!”

“Your husband is a lucky man.”

“Your boss is so lucky.”

These messages seem so kind. Well-meaning.

My mom told her paid caregiver the other day, “You are #1. Take care of yourself first.” Makes me laugh, in a bitter sort of way, as her bell rings yet again, calling for me at 8:30pm, 9:30pm, 3:30am, 6:30am.

Bitter. Negative. Pessimistic. Resentful.

This is who a person becomes when they serve and sacrifice their life for others. Sacrifice is not healthy. For 4 months, I have ceased to exist, and been praised for it. Guilted that I should be enjoying it. Like moms of young kids. “Enjoy this time. It’s precious.”

If you do not have a plan for your aging parents, create one. You may think that caring for them at home is the best. Perhaps it is, for them. But after having my first floor transformed into my mom’s hospital, a constant stream of people in our space, clutter everywhere, the noise of the tv blaring, no downtime, no privacy, constant needs and managing care & meds, and no time, I can tell you, this is not something to praise. This is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Eldest daughters of the Boomer generation are broken. We volunteer, take it all on, and do a great job at everything in our orbit. We are praised for our effort, our sacrifice, our efficiency, and how easy we make everything, as our needs retreat further and further into the unknown. Whatever it takes for us to continue on, with a positive attitude, sucking it up, putting others first, is acceptable. Drink more, take an antidepressant, get a therapist. Shop. The world runs on eldest daughters. And we are suckers for praise. For the golden star. We love knowing that we are good girls. We hate getting in trouble. The memes exist for a reason.

“I need to give my disclaimer, I am a pessimist…” a new acquaintance began our conversation the other day. It was so refreshing. Yes, negativity is welcome here. Pollyannas, the keepers of toxic positivity, unknowingly perpetuate the cycle of the eldest daughter.

“You are so negative.”

Know this, when someone brings you their yuck, they are entrusting you with a truth. They are broken. What they need is permission to stop being the good girl. To lay down their burden. To take themselves up as #1.

“She is a natural-born caregiver.”

There are no naturally born caregivers. We are indoctrinated into a society that uses eldest daughters as free labor. We are rewarded and praised for our hard work serving others and betraying ourselves. We have a lifetime of practice being efficient, accommodating, and overperforming. Effort and sacrifice make us valuable. Unhealthy patterns are perpetuated through our "feeling fulfilled when caring for others" and knowing that we are being "good."

I have seen so many selfless people get sick. Why is being without self a valuable trait? We are slowly killing ourselves, as we waste the days working for others and proving our “worth.”

“You always liked everything I picked for you. You never disagreed with me,” my mom will reminisce as I navigate my daughter’s strong will. All true, because I was taught that my needs are inconvenient and not welcome. That my emotions are “too much.” I was taught that I need to make things easy to be lovable. Whenever I step out of line, I will be "corrected," usually with a letter. A letter is easier for the giver than saying it to my face because it's a one-way conversation. Even in my old age, when I have finally realized all of this and fought hard against my training, here I am doing it all wrong again. Here I am doing the “right thing” that feels so wrong. I don’t know where the balance lies between the needs of those we love and our own needs, but I do know that what I have done for the last 4 months is not it.

I feel awful for my mom. She has lost everything about her life that she loved except for her children. She has no independence, everything is so hard, and she is always in pain. But...I have done my very best to care for her even before her stroke and nothing has come of it. She isn't better. She isn't happier. Her life isn't improved. The only thing I have accomplished is losing myself along the way.

If this is the permission you need to say no to something that is hard for you to justify saying no to, I am happy to have helped. If my frustration encourages you to be "selfish" in considering your "self" first, something good will have come out of all this. If my honesty gives you the guts to tell your parents they need a plan that is not you, I'm glad for your future self. In the words of my mom, who, like most Boomer-generation-women, has always demonstrated and expected the exact opposite of considering "self"...

“You are #1. Take care of yourself first.”