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  • Alastar Connor

A higher love

One of my daughter’s favorite songs right now...


Think about it, there must be a higher love

Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above

Without it, life is wasted time

Look inside your heart, and I'll look inside mine

Things look so bad everywhere

In this whole world, what is fair?

We walk the line and try to see

Fallin' behind in what could be, oh

Bring me a higher love

Where's that higher love I keep thinking of?


This song choice is not a coincidence. The past few weeks, I have received SO MUCH HIGHER LOVE. The more truth and ache I share, the more love comes flying at me. Art supplies, N95 masks and gloves, messages of appreciation, inspiring books dropped on my doorstep, deep conversations with strangers about palliative care, prayer quilts, blessings, full on entire text chains from cheerleading friends that came from out of nowhere. I missed the tap class zoom for my daughter this morning that she looked forward to for an entire week. Mommy FAIL. In flies love and support from her dance studio with kind reassurance and a rescheduled opportunity...for classes we aren’t even paying for, from a studio with rent due and no income. The love surrounds me and makes me cry. My husband rolls his eyes at me every time I well up...but the world is full of SO much extra love. It reminds me of when I used to teach 2 year olds in my child development class in High School. Two year olds have an overflowing amount of love. They love on every person, on their toys, on their stuffed animals, on their babies, so much love inside them that it overflows all over the place. Once you get to the 4 year old room, social norms have taken over and the love is regulated, hard-earned, and comes along with lots of parameters. We seem to forget, as time goes on, how much love we have to give, and how much we need to receive. Any parent of more than one child knows that, after all the worry about how you will love another child, through the birth of your second, you find that your love is exponential. Well it is. Our love is exponential.


So many of the messages that come to me in private are from people who don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly. Their pain, need, ache, truth...is locked up inside them. My words reach across and find their hidden ache that fear keeps locked up tight. I want to help. So here is what I know to be true. The higher love I feel flowing towards me is a testament to what I’m going to tell your inner hidden need. I know that you will resist my words but I’m hoping that they will float like dandelion fluff, find a soft spot to land, and take root.


The world is overflowing with higher love. You don’t know it is there. It does not reveal itself to you. Friends and community, that you don’t know are there, wait in the wings of your life’s stage. If you don’t reveal your truth, your ache, and your need, the people who can love you the best, can’t find you.


In my marketing work, my clients say, “I don’t want to be sales-y, pushy, I feel rude when I promote my skills.” I explain to them that they have something to offer, that they need to accurately, clearly, and effectively tell the world what that is, so that those that need what they can provide, will find them. You do yourself and others a service, when you connect a need, to the right person that can help. Even when there is no money exchanging hands...the same applies. It makes me feel good when I can help you. When I am the person who has the specific tools to relieve your pain and struggle. It makes both people feel good, to help, and be helped.


The only way for people to have the pleasure of helping you, is if you state your truth where they can find it. This has been proven to me, many times over. When I wanted to move with my boys and didn’t know where to go, I put a list of my wants and needs on social media. My friends answered, and here I am in this lovely little town, which checks all the boxes. I wanted a partner. I put my list of needs and wants on an online dating site. I put my truth right on there...take it or leave it. Not your average dating profile...I’m sure many men thought I was crazy, but low and behold, he answered and I have a very fulfilling marriage. When I put my truth out to the world, the world answers. Can you try it? A little baby step at a time? Can you take that risk and share your truth so that the higher love can find you?


As my life has progressed, the more risks I take, the more I find experiences that make me come alive, and as I come alive, and become more truly me, the less fear I feel, the more risks I feel comfortable taking, and the more higher love finds me. I also have come to realize how many of my “I statements” are bullshit. “I am not a committee person. I am not political. I am not a leader.” Last year, I volunteered on a committee. I am lucky that I have a husband that ALWAYS says, “Of course you can do it. Go for it.” So I am starting to listen. Through that work, I found a whole new set of peers. People I never would have known. Purpose, a bigger stage, full of “scary” official people, and “intimidating” intelligent humans. I learned SO much. I actually made a difference. The more I experienced the pleasure of making a difference, the more difference I wanted to make. I found that I can stand on that stage. That I can help. That these people I was afraid of ARE MY PEOPLE.


Fear holds us all back. Fear of sharing, fear of showing our truth, fear of asking for help. Our self-marketing sucks. We are not accurately, clearly, and effectively telling the world who we are and what we need. Fear is telling us ugly lies that it is easier to believe than to not. We cling to these fears like they are the safety raft instead of the sinking ship. When you hold your ache inside, you are going down with the ship.


In my text conversation with my newfound cheerleaders this morning, I asked them, “Why would anyone want to know what I have to say? Who do I think I am to offer wisdom? What makes me an authority?” I tell everyone else to be kinder to themselves. That their feelings have a place in this world. That “good enough” is all that is needed because “perfect” means you never get it out there. Yet, my fear keeps me from hearing my own words. I work so hard to escape from my own self-doubt. I keep working to be braver and braver, to find my adventure and to step out from the shadow of assistant and lead. I work on leaving generational sexist ingrained beliefs behind, yet need my husband’s permission to believe I can do it. I have seen over and over again that bravery in revealing my truth always offers rich rewards, yet I am STILL surprised when it happens and reticent to share. We all struggle in different degrees. So, I’m reaching out to you, and to myself, to remind us both...there is a higher love out there waiting for you. If you don’t share yourself, it can’t find you. Sharing yourself takes bravery. Proving which of your “I statements” are bullshit takes risk. Open up a little bit today, let the surprise of support bolster you and give you the confidence to share a little more tomorrow. Take a risk and prove your fears wrong. I am leading the way on this adventure. And to all the wonderful people that have shown me such beautiful love in all capacities during this hard and confusing time, I thank you.

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